


Communication is a Bitch

by Anonymous



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 02:48:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18459905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: She's been trying so hard, but it doesn't seem to be working.





	Communication is a Bitch

**Author's Note:**

  * For [A person who would automatically know this was about them](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=A+person+who+would+automatically+know+this+was+about+them).



“What is it?” she cried out, her mounting frustration vetting itself through her voice at long last. Not a loud sound, but a hissing sound that seemed to break her very voice as her thoughts came into being. “What is it that I’m doing so horribly wrong that makes this so difficult? Why can’t I just talk to you? What am I doing that’s so bad that the instant you say something important, the conversation stops? What is it that I’m doing so wrong?”

Having sensed that this had been building for a while, her companion remained quiet, which only seemed to incense her rage further. She gulped in lungfuls of air, her typically composed nature fracturing right before their eyes.

“Do you even know…” began she in between breaths. She blinked a few times, trying valiantly to halt the tears that were threatening to overflow. “How  hard it is to learn how to talk so carefully around you? Do you know how many words I can’t say and how many things I can’t do because I don’t want to annoy you? Do you know how lonely that is, how angry it makes me at myself? To have to curb myself around you because my personality  annoys you?? All I want is to be able to tell you that you’re my friend and touch base every once in a while and tell you that I’m sorry when your day goes wrong because it makes you sad or upset—but then I have to remember that I  can’t apologize to you and I  can’t make those kinds of assumptions because you think I’m a fucking idiot every time I do! Do you know how  hard that is to swallow and how  difficult that makes communicating with you??? Do you even understand that?!”

She cut herself off, taking a few more breaths. When she next spoke, her voice was quieter, more conscious of her volume.

“I know that if I just want to care for you in my own way that’s selfish. I know that it’s just a burden on you because you don’t work the way that I do. You never have, you never will, and please don’t think that I’ll ever ask or think to ask you to do that. But, please… Please understand that it’s not easy for me to figure out how best to connect with you when you give me bad news. I want to empathize with you and I want to try and make your day better without dismissing the shit you feel. I want to be sure I’m reading it right so that way I’m not making an ass of myself all over again. I want to be your friend, but there are so many times I just  don’t know how . I know you’ve been patient as I try to figure it out, but I’m afraid of asking you for more patience. I don’t… I can’t…”

Her words having been spent, she allowed the sentence to continue, to drift off into nothingness. Against her will, a tear escaped her eye. Hurriedly, she scrubbed at it. He knew she wished he’d never seen it.

Turmoil enveloped her head. She squeezed her eyes shut, forcing herself to just keep breathing. Doing so too quickly or too slowly would do nothing good for the conversation. She wanted to at least try to be civil, but she was terrified that she was losing control of what she wanted to say and what she felt. And what she felt seemed to be only backed by her self-centeredness. It was confusing and painful to reveal.

She had once been told that it was okay to be selfish every once in a while. But she hated to be selfish in this way, when it would serve neither herself nor anybody around her.

“Please…” Her voice was broken, little more than a whisper. “Just give me more time to try and do this right. I’m trying… just… please…”

_ Please don’t throw me away. _

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this on my computer for 7 months. It's time to let it go.


End file.
